SWOLLEN NUTS

SWOLLEN NUTS

Monday, November 07, 2016

  As if we don’t have enough confusing problems with contemporary technology, now we must contend with swollen nuts. Let me explain in picture description: You and your spouse are dressed to-the-nines for your private mid-February 40^th wedding dinner. You spent big bucks at a restaurant far upscale from your usual MacDonald’s fare. And delightful dinner date it was.

  Leaving the restaurant you are greeted by typical Maryland or Nebraska weather change. The temperature has plummeted and you are pelted by sleety snow driven by a considerable increase in wind velocity. Not to worry, you have a reliable SUV sporting the upgrade package, including really cool looking rims mounted with 18 inch all-season treads. The slush is accumulating as Mayor Stothert’s new snow removal plan is not yet in effect. Checking the dandy outside temp feature you discover it’s getting colder by the minute. You laugh and reminisce about your first car, an old beater without a heater.

  Suddenly your vehicle squiggles. Stopping to see what is wrong you discover the right rear tire is flat.

  Inconvenient, but not a problem for you are still a Boy Scout in at heart and are prepared for such things. Opening the stow you don the 99 cent parka, gloves, gather jack and wrench, kneel on waterproof plastic sheet, and set the jack. Then you discover something that isn’t in the vehicle handbook that you studied cover to cover when you purchased the vehicle. Nowhere does it mention Lug nuts are made of 2 dissimilar metals and depending on exposure to weather conditions, road salts et al, may over a period of time be subject to reaction that causes swelling. The lug wrench provided will not fit all the lug nuts! Some are okay. Some are too large. Some, when the shiny outer shell breaks away, leave a nut too small for the wrench.

  You tap on the window and inform your beloved spouse and ask her to phone AAA . . . only to discover the cellphone has zero bars. No problem for an old Boy Scout. You climb over the adjacent barbed wire fence, tearing your suit pants in the process. Then you trudge up the muddy and manured pasture hill in your new celebration-gifted wingtip shoes. Standing victoriously upon hillcrest you connect with AAA operator. She informs you that AAA responders are presently overloaded and it will take several hours.

  While waiting they listen to favorite Golden Oldies and snack on stale crackers and bottled water the Boy Scout forgot to keep updated.

  In the immediate aftermath Boy Scout purchased a breaker bar with various size sockets. Then he investigated replacement nuts, discovered less beauteous but more functional and remounted the rims.

All is well again until the next encounter with contemporary technology. And being a Boy Scout married to a 4-H Girl they thereafter had a wonderfully entertaining supper party tale to tell.

  The dilemma described above is a temporary passing one. The Matthew 25:1-13 narrative recorded of Jesus is not. Its end is permanent and tragically irreversible: Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept. And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves. And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut. Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us. But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not. Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.

EBB4