What Does it Mean to Be a Woman if You’re Not a Wife? Bronwyn Lea,
Remember the song Que Sera,
Sera where the little girl dreams of what her future will be? My
girlhood was populated with visions of the future, and while they might have
varied in location (Paris? Narnia? Or the little suburb I lived in?), one
feature was consistent: there would be a wedding, and I would be a wife. If
anything, marriage (and motherhood) were the clearest indicators that I would
no longer be a girl, but a woman. How do you know when you’re an adult? Is it
the ability to vote? Or drink? Or graduating from college or high school? In
the absence of a bat mitzvah or some other single compelling
cultural rite of passage to indicate attaining adulthood, becoming a wife may
seem about the strongest evidence one might get.
But what about women who don’t marry? The
number of single Christians in the church is increasing, and many of these find
it increasingly hard to find a place to belong as adults. “Church feels like a
married people’s club,” is something I’ve heard from many unmarried Christians.
Western church culture prefers and prioritizes married couples, leaving unmarried
Christians feeling they’re on the margins of church life. If your youth group
years were spent learning about dating-with-a-view-toward-marriage, what
happens if marriage doesn’t happen but you’ve long outgrown youth group?
Christian teaching on adult relationships and
sexuality (if it happens at all) is geared towards husbands and wives, and
there’s a glaring blind spot for single adults. Unmarried people have
legitimate needs for physical touch and relational connection, but these remain
unacknowledged or unaddressed by many if we limit our thinking on adult
relationships to marriage. Unmarried women can easily be overlooked and
underestimated by the church; their gifts and talents underdeveloped if they
don’t fall into the neat pigeonholes of wifely and motherly service. And the
church suffers as a result.
A closer look at Scripture invites us to revisit two mistakes we’re in danger of making in this area.
Overemphasizing the nuclear family, and
underemphasizing the family of God.
God created families, and marriage and
children are rightly considered to be his good idea for humanity. However,
these relationships have historically been woven into a far broader pattern in
the fabric of society. In the Old Testament (and still in much of the world today),
extended family groups lived and worked in close proximity. The New Testament
“household” we see described in Colossians and Ephesians was similarly far
bigger than the mom-dad-and-two-and-a-half-kids vision of the mid-twentieth
century. In fact, for most of history, the “nuclear family” based on one
husband-wife pair being independent and on their own wasn’t really even a thing.
There were always other relatives in the mix. Both history and scripture
challenge us to rethink our expectations and assumptions that the tight inner
circle of the nuclear family is a good way (much less the best way or only
way!) to live.
Rather than focusing primarily on the nuclear
family, those belonging to Jesus are invited to focus on the family of God:
“Who are my mother and my brothers?” asked Jesus in Mark
3:33. Looking at the crowd of disciples
seated around him, he answered his own question: “Here are my mother and my
brothers. Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.” (Mark 3:34-35).
Jesus honored his family of origin from birth to death (see John 19:26-27),
but his focus was on his brothers and sisters by faith (Hebrews 2:11-12).
The New Testament addresses us as adelphoi—brothers and sisters—more than 135 times; most of these in the context of instruction on how we are to live together and love one another well. God our Father wants us to do more than just “be nice”. “Let us do good to all people,” advises Galatians 6:10, “especially to those belong to the family of believers.” Our family in Christ needs special attention and care, and this is true whether we have wedding rings on or not.
Overemphasizing bedroom sexuality, and
underemphasizing everyday womanhood
The very first thing I learned about my
unborn baby was that she was a girl. At our twenty-week ultrasound, our
Ukrainian technician pointed to the fuzzy image on the screen and decoded the
sonar for us: “it is girl” she proclaimed.
Our maleness and femaleness lies at the core
of our being, from (before) birth to death. We were created in God’s image,
male and female. In other words, there is no way for me to be human without
being female. Female sexuality isn’t activated like a magic button on a wedding
day: it’s woven into our DNA. God created us with intrinsic sexuality.
Our bodies are not like Amazon boxes: disposable and recyclable packages
transporting the really valuable spiritual contents inside. Our bodily
packaging is an integral part of the gift. We need reminding that when God
created men and women in bodies, he called it good. Our maleness and
femaleness—wrapped in bone, muscle, nerves, sex organs, and skin—is “very good”
in his sight.
This matters a great deal in a world where
messaging to women and about women often has to do with how women’s
bodies look and how they work when it comes
to childbearing and breastfeeding. But Scripture affirms the goodness of
bodies—all female bodies—no matter how they look and whether or not their
breasts ever delight a man or feed a child.
Sexuality in the bible is concerned with much more than what happens
between a husband and a wife when they’re naked. Sexuality is about us, as men
and women made in God’s image, living with and loving the men and women around
us in every sphere of life. Adam and Eve were showing they were
made in God’s image as man and woman not just when they were naked and
unashamed being “fruitful and multiplying”, but when also as they were working
in the garden, preparing meals, naming the animals, and talking with God at the
end of the day.
Jesus, the second Adam, invites us to live as
unashamed men and women all the time, even if clothes are now de rigeur this
side of Eden.
This truth brought such joy and freedom to my
friend Carrie when she realized it meant she didn’t need a husband and lingerie
to “feel like a natural woman,” as Carole King sang. She belongs to a family
even if she never walks down an aisle in white. She can be a whole woman—fully
female—as a single person in her workplace, watching movies with friends,
taking an art class, or serving on a mission trip. And she can wear red
lipstick for the sheer joy of celebrating being a woman.
Whether or not one ever becomes a wife, God says being a woman is very good in his sight. Let’s be people who celebrate God’s good gift of womanhood.
Bronwyn
Lea is the author of Beyond Awkward Side Hugs: Living as
Brothers and Sisters in a Sex-Crazed World. She and her husband are from South
Africa but now live in Northern California, where they and their three kids
count their church community as family. Find out more at www.bronlea.com.
